Tina Kakadelis
YA Author

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Burn Before Reading: A Carly Allen Story

Tales of Compulsive Heterosexuality, Vol. II

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Sometimes it feels like Glee was a wild collective fever dream we all suffered through together. It was the strangest mess of a show. Remember the time when Sue locked Blaine and Kurt in an elevator to get them back together? Or the time they did Gangnam Style? Or anything Mr. Schue ever did in his entire life? Did anyone like Mr. Schue? Was anyone out there rooting for him?? Why did women keep falling for him??? WHO LET HIM KEEP RAPPING?? I NEED ANSWERS. Ahem.

Let's let's talk about some gay stuff, shall we?

Here's the one fact you need to know: The gayest character on this show was Quinn Fabray. Shush with all your cries of "But, Tina! Kurt, Blaine, Brittany, and Santana were all so much gayer!" You can take those lies elsewhere, thank you very much. If you watched this show somehow unaware of the flaming homosexuality of Quinn Fabray, please get your eyes checked. Sweetheart's gayer than every single pride parade mashed into one.

I will take some pity on you to break down just how gay sweet little Quinn Fabray was. (Can you tell how unbiasedly I'm able to talk about my favorite character?) Let's start at what's probably your first argument; the whole pregnancy shebang. First of all, lesbians can sleep with dudes and still be lesbians, so get that sorted out right quick. Second of all, she only sleeps with Puck because she was drunk and felt bad about her body.

She also only dates Finn because she's the head cheerleader and he's the quarterback. She wants to feel like she fits in, so she does the paint by the numbers of how to be the good little high school prom queen. Homegirl was in the celibacy club, too. What an easy excuse to never have to have sex with her boyfriend. Quinn was the only person in that damn club that actually upheld the beliefs. Puck, Santana, and Brittany were in the club for goodness sake. They weren't worried about celibacy.

Quinn goes back and forth between Finn and Puck trying to find which one will be the better father figure to her baby. That whole first season, she doesn't give two shits if she likes them. She wants support for her kid and that's it. After the second season or so, her character went off the rails and became this crazy person who tries to steal her baby back AND NO ONE WAS LIKE HEY QUINN YOU DOIN' ALRIGHT? They just wrote her off as nuts and let her character drift into obscurity till she was barely even mentioned. I'm just going to ignore the later seasons for the most point.

Am I still bitter over the figurative death of her character? Yeah, Ryan Murphy (who I'm sure reads my blog), I am still bitter. However, I still stand by the fact that she only gave a damn about those boys for her reputation's sake.

But good lord did she love Rachel Berry.

Is Rachel Berry gay? I don't know. If I had to put a label on this fictional character, I'd say she was bi or pansexual. I feel like she'd care more about the person and not the gender. That discussion is for another time, though. It doesn't matter. I'm already putting too much thought into this.

Sweet little Quinn hates Rachel Berry for some unknown reason. Or so it seems. Aside from half-heartedly trying to date Finn, Rachel didn't do anything. And the bullying definitely started happening long before the show picks up.

What do we say about little boys pulling on little girls' pigtails? (Which is problematic in and of itself, but that's for another time.) Newsflash, y'all: Quinn Fabray has been pullin' on Rachel Berry's pigtails because she's a total closeted lesbian who has no idea what to do with her feelings.

If you're scratching your head about this, but readily accepted Karofsky's coming out, I'm going to need to you revaluate your life.

We see it all the time for gay dudes. The big bully picking on the gay kid because the bully can't reason his own internalized homophobia. Y'all; QUINN FABRAY IS AN INTERNALIZED BIG OLE GAY. Are you actually telling me that if she grew up in that household with that shitty father, she wouldn't have internalized her gay feelings into the bullying the girl she had a crush on?! Come on! (Judy's sweet though. I picture them reconciling. She'd support her gay daughter by going to pride parades and become a leader of PFLAG.)

And. AND are you honestly telling me that the same Quinn Fabray who got drunk and banged SANTANA not once but TWICE is going to go off and marry a MAN?! She's like oh I see why girls experiment, but Imma stick to dudes and then Santana's like we can do it again and Quinn Fabray is ready to GO. But the next time we see her, she's got a dude on her arm?! I can suspend my disbelief for so many things, but Quinn Fabray being a heterosexual is where I draw the line.

That's the thing, though. Quinn Fabray, the pregnant, head cheerleader teenager will never be gay. She will never have the redemption story arc where she comes around and gets the girl she's been dreaming of. That's just not how things get to happen in pop culture. What a damn shame. How much more interesting would it have been for Quinn and Rachel to be the starcrossed lovers of Glee instead of Rachel and Finn?

Why is that? Why has this post gone completely off the rails?

Look, I don't know what this is about anymore. I planned on making this a well-rounded blog post after I got off work today, but somehow it's almost 9 P.M. and I'm eleven episodes into Netflix's new show, Girl Boss. I know, I'm proud disappointed in me, too.

Point of all of this is that Quinn Fabray is a proud member of the "Should Have Been Canonically Gay Pop Culture Character" group. It's like I said before; people aren't looking for gay characters. They don't see a character's actions and think, huh, maybe they're gay. I mean, look at Quinn's character. The teasing, bullying, weirdly masculine insults, all directed at Rachel should've given it away, but no. What a great injustice to lesbians in media everywhere.