Attn: All Baby Gay Lesbians
It was a few degrees below 70 today and Los Angeles officially lost its collective mind. Heaters were wheeled out, bonfires happened (the planned kind, not the California-mountain-spontaneously-busting-into-flames kind), and I got to wear my jean jacket without sweating through the pain. I’d just like to know what fifteen-year-old me would think of me now.
Fifteen-year-old me was out there wearing an ugly sweatshirt to school every day. Or just weird free t-shirts I got from various events. I did not know how to dress myself and I am so disappointed in younger me. I also wore boot cut jeans??? Like who did I think I was??? A cowboy???
Granted, me wearing a jean jacket in the present day is probably not helping the whole “cowboy” vibe, but at least I’m a cooler cowboy now.
Did I just become a fashion blog?
You know what? I was going I shy away from this because I know so obscenely little about fashion, but I’m gonna lean into it. I don’t know what portion of my reader base is Baby Gay Lesbian In Need Of Fashion Advice, but if you, or someone you know, is suffering from Baby Gay Lesbian Shitty Fashion Syndrome, I’ve got the cure for ya. Or at least some tips to get you through those trying times. We all haven’t been there, but I have, so I feel your pain.
Tina’s Baby Gay Fashion Advice
(Or, What I Wish Someone Told Me in High School)
- The Justin Bieber Swoosh Hair Has Gotta Go - This may be a tough one to swallow, but I’m serious. The hair’s gotta go. I wouldn’t say I’m a vain person in 9 outta 10 scenarios, but the one instance in which I have no shame in tooting my own horn is in regard to my hair. I have really forking nice hair and that really forking nice hair used to be in the J Biebs swoosh. Trust me when I say the swoosh has no place in the world. Grow it long or cut it short. The swoosh just makes you look thirteen.
- Snapbacks Are Cool Within Reason - I get it. Even I get bad hair days AKA days I’m too lazy to even use dry shampoo. A hat is an easy option. Here’s the thing, though, some snapbacks are too much. If you can picture that wannabe skater kid in your history class wearing the snapback, don’t buy it. Honestly, go for Dad hats. If I wasn’t cursed with a weirdly shaped head, I would exclusively wear Dad hats. However, genetics let me down, so only a select few Dad hats fit me right. It’s worth searching for those select few, though.
- Just Because You Got a Shirt for Free Doesn’t Mean You Should Wear it in Public - I get that younger me was all about comfort over style and I still respect that to an extent. (California weather never lets me wear jackets, but that doesn’t stop me. I will die of heat exhaustion from wearing a jean jacket in July in LA.) Anyway, I took that mantra as nothing matters, you have no one to impress, so wear those ugly shirts. I had one orange shirt I got from a tennis tournament that had the ugliest turkey on the back because the tournament happened around Thanksgiving. First of all, orange is 100% not my color. Second of all, that shirt was damn ugly. I’m still wearing t-shirts, but now they’re cute lil pocket tees. Still comfortable, but it gives off the impression that I care a little. Which brings me to my next point...
- It’s Okay to Give the Tiniest Shit About Your Appearance - For the longest time, I thought it was dumb to care about my appearance and how I looked to the world. For evidence, just look at my haircut from birth until 2014. I thought it was a waste of time, but then I realized that I had been consciously making this choice to look like I didn’t care when I could expend just as much energy into caring. Caring about your appearance actually helps with the rest of your life??? You feel more confident??? Which helps you do the things you want to do??? Who knew.
- You Can Buy Clothes from the Men’s Section Without the World Ending - Genetics gave me really forking great hair, a head that can’t wear most Dad hats, and broad shoulders. Thanks, parentssssss. The broad shoulders thing ruins my life because it’s hard to find shirts in the women’s section that fits me right. Plus, I also just usually like dudes’ fashion more, so I like buying men’s shirts. Yes, it’s going to feel like everyone’s staring you down when you’re in that section. Stop being so self-centered. Future You has worked many retail jobs and lemme tell ya, I am very rarely concerned with what the customers are doing unless they're acting shady. I’m genuinely just concerned with the passage of time and how many more hours until I can go home. You can shop in the men’s section. It doesn’t make you any less of a girl and nobody truly cares.
At the end of the day, just know it’s gonna get better. I am living proof:
I apparently still pose in the same dumb way just with more coffee now. And I am in my pajamas in public in the second photo, but it’s genuinely the only one I could find on my phone where I’m not laying down in front of some monument. Do as I say not as I do.
Anyway, enter for an autographed book by yours truly. I also talk about fashion in there, too. Do I really have this many fashion opinions???