My Sister the Slob
So, before we get started today, I'd just like to direct everyone's attention to Harry Styles' Spotify and his cover of Little Big Town's Girl Crush. It is the only thing I've listened to for an entire twenty-four hours. It's so forking good. I loved the original, but now it's in my vocal range, so I'm going to apologize in advance to the people of the greater Los Anageles area who will hear me playing this loudly out of my car.
Actually, I'm not that sorry. It's more like you're welcome. Let my melodious, in-the-car-screeching into your soul.
My dad is coming to briefly visit tomorrow, so I am spending the day making my apartment look moderately clean. I don't really have big footsteps to fill. Out of his two kids, I'm the cleanest by an absolute landslide. To say my sister is a slob would be an insult to actual slobs. I'd apologize if, 1. it wasn't true or, 2. she actually read this blog. But since it is true and she probably doesn't even know this blog exists, we're just gonna move right along.
Did you ever watch that old TV show Crash Box? I don't even know what channel it was on, but I have fond memories of it from my childhood. It was like a puzzle variety show. There'd be a bunch of different segments each episode and the segments would vary each episode. There was one about a murder mystery dinner party and they'd give you clues about the mystery guest who died and you had to guess who it was. They were all historical figures, so you were learning something, too.
I feel like that was the best way to learn. It's fun and informative. The closest thing adults have to something like that is Drunk History. (Which, if you haven't seen Jenny Slate's Drunk History, you need to get on it ASAP.)
The reason I bring up Crash Box is not to talk about the American education system and how garbage it is. (Although, guys, we GOTTA talk about the American education system. Ava DuVernay is producing a new documentary about education inequality called Teach Us All and they just released the trailer a few days ago. It's officially on Netflix, too.) ANYWAY, I bring up this show because of my sister's sloppiness.
There was some character in one of the lil segments who was named the Revolting Slob. Oh man, I'm so glad my sister doesn't read this. There's not a lot of stuff on the internet about Crash Box, so I don't know exactly what the Revolting Slob's game was about, but here's a picture:
Charming dude, right?
I truly thought that he lived in like a horribly dirty house and that's why I was drawing these comparisons, but I see now that he's just revolting because of who he is. The hair coming out of his belly button is making me nauseous.
All this to say, my sister is very dirty and I visited her apartment in New York once where there was so much crap on the ground that you couldn't even see the ground. That's a real thing! That's not just some dumb catch phrase from your parents when they want you to clean your room. People are really out there living apartments and homes where they can't see their floor.
And another thing about my darling sister; it's almost Christmas and I still haven't gotten my gift from last Christmas. I know Christmas is about the holiday spirit and being together and all that NONSENSE and presents aren't the most important thing, BUT WHEN IT'S A WOOD CARVED "WELCOME TO SAN JUNIPERO" SIGN, IT'S PRETTY IMPORTANT.
In protest of her STILL not finishing it, I have withheld my gift from last year as well. For some weird reason, my sister thought it would be funny if I poorly photoshopped a bunch of pictures of attractive lady celebrities and I together and compile it all into a scrapbook. Um, I did that and it is ~art~ and it will never see the light of day because this FOOL won't finish her damn woodworking project.
Wow, you guys just read five hundred words of me roasting my own sister. I'm really glad you chose to click on this post today.
And, in the words of my fine sister, enter for a chance to win a book that's "not the worst."