Tina Kakadelis
YA Author

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Burn Before Reading: A Carly Allen Story

I'll Hunt Your House

Hello, everyone! I am very tired, but the end is almost near. I almost have one day of freedom. I'm already picturing me squandering that freedom by catching up on all the shows I've fallen behind on like Broad City and The Good Place.

I'm up to date on Legends of Tomorrow, though. What a charming premiere episode, huh? I'm sure all of you are the biggest fans out there, so lemme just say that Sara Lance working at a faux-Bed, Bath, and Beyond might be the greatest thing to happen on television.

I'm not here to talk to you about my love for the DC-TV Universe. I'm here to talk to you about my go-to rainy day TV show. The one I can watch whenever, wherever, for however long the universe will let me.

No, it's not Supergirl, it's House Hunters.

I am ride or die for House Hunters. I don't think I'm being dramatic in the slightest by saying that House Hunters is the greatest human invention the world has ever seen. I think I'm actually underselling the value of House Hunters.

Lemme tell you the most perfect night of my life. I was in Toronto after my interview for TIFF last August and I had just been out getting tacos in Queen West at Grand Electric. I made my way back to my hotel, just all around very happy to be in Toronto. And it's just a great night. It got even better because there was a House Hunters marathon on and I don't know if I'll ever be able to express the pure joy I felt from being a lil tipsy in a hotel room overlooking Toronto watching a House Hunters marathon.

What can I say? I'm a simple lady.

For those of you without a TV, or who choose to watch other things, House Hunters is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Each episode, there's somebody, either solo or as a couple, who is shopping for a house. The realtor takes them to three houses or apartments over the course of the episode that attempt to fit the buyer's budget and criteria. That's where the fun begins.

First of all, for 90% of the couples on this show, it remains a MYSTERY as to how they met/started dating/made it to where they are now. Sometimes, it seems like these people are meeting for the very first time because they clash so aggressively in their opinions on housing. And then they're shocked the other person feels that way.

And they're always so dramatic about it. Like the realtor will show them a home that's in their budget, close to their jobs, and in the style they wanted and everything will seem perfect, but then one of the people is like, "There's carpet here and I CANNOT WALK ON CARPET." Rip it out maybe???? I don't know. If you're under budget, pay somebody to rip it up like just chill out.

I saw this one where the dude was like, "I will NEVER move into a home with stairs." WHO REFUSES STAIRS LIKE THAT???? He didn't even given a reason like he has family members who need help with mobility or something like that. No, no. Homeboy just  hates stairs with as much anger as he can muster.

I saw another one where this man was very adamant about having a "guy space." So many men on this show are worried about their "guy space" and I want to know if this is a producer thing or if masculinity is truly this fragile. Anyway, back to the original dude. The couple's walking through this house and they get to the attic. It's more of a loft actually and the wife's like, "Honey, it's your 'guy space'" and the dude, I kid you not, goes, "This attic is too feminine."

IT IS AN ATTIC DUDE. IT LITERALLY CANNOT HAVE A GENDER.

I love the House Hunters couples quarrels. Like I could watch these people endlessly.

The charm of this beauty of a show doesn't end with these couples because we gotta talk about the financial income of these couples. It is my favorite joke of all-time.

Basically, these people on the show have made-up jobs, but somehow have a multi-million dollar budget. It has become a meme and it is my favorite thing in the entire world.

hh

Read all these great jokes and join me in laugh-crying from exhaustion and the beauty of House Hunters.