Playlist Sun-Thursday: Hello Darkness My Old Friend (The Misses of Glee)
As promised (for real this time), I'm gonna be talking about the misses of Glee. I've already talked about the true hits of the series over here, but it's been brought to my attention that y'all would maybe wanna hear about my least favorite Glee songs. (Okay, so one person said they were interested, but I'm just gonna round up and say all y'all are interested. Doesn't matter if you are because that's what's gonna happen.) (I stopped this at fifteen because I realized I was about to be late to work, but know I could've kept going.)
Without further ado, I bring you Playlist Sun-Thursday:
Hello Darkness My Old Friend: The Misses of Glee
- Gangnam Style by the Season Four Cast - I know this was season four because it was only after Rachel, Mercedes, and Kurt left did they even consider giving Tina a solo. Listen, I have absolutely nothing against the actress who plays Tina and I mostly love when people name their characters Tina for 100% narcissistic reasons, HOWEVER, Tina Cohen-Chang is the worst. She's actually a good singer, but they always gave her bizarre songs. I also am dying to know who made the song decisions on Glee and who decided they should make the only Asian girl on the show sing Gangnam Style. Maybe it wouldn't seem so egregious if they'd given her ANY solo before this, but, y'all, it does not look great if that's the only solo she got for basically the whole series. Plus, it's also just a bad song???
- Blurred Lines by Mr. Schue - You're probably going to catch onto a theme really quickly here about the people who will make up this list. Truly, there could just be an entire list of Mr. Schue's worst. (No, I will NOT be writing that one. I need to draw the line somewhere.) I think the only good song he sang was Somewhere Over the Rainbow?? Back to Blurred Lines, though. How did this man keep his job as a teacher for as long as he did??? HE'S SINGING A SONG ABOUT GLORIFYING RAPE TO A GROUP OF TEENAGERS AND THAT'S OKAY SOMEHOW??? Mr. Schue, gtfo. (Although, bless the editor who put Marley's charmingly awkward dancing as the visual to the line "You're an animal/Baby it's in your nature." You are my HERO.)
- Werewolves of London by Artie and Sam - Why were they training a dog??? What was the point of this??? Did they just genuinely run out of plot at this point in the series??? Ryan Murphy, what is going ON??? (Or, I guess, Chris Colfer, since you wrote this episode, WHAT WAS GOING ON???)
- It's a Man's Man's Man's World by Quinn Fabray - Um, so I know I've championed myself as the president of the Quinn Fabray Fan Club and I still stand by that until the end of time, BUT even I couldn't see this song through rose-colored glasses. If it had just been her singing into a microphone, it wouldn't have made it onto this list. I probably would've forgotten it existed because it would've just been fine. It wouldn't have scarred me like it actually did. Nobody needs an interpretive dance to this song done by pregnant high school girls. NOBODY NEEDED THIS. IT WAS WEIRD.
- The Final Countdown by Mr. Schue and Sue Sylvester - I don't get embarrassed often. HOWEVER, I get secondhand embarrassment so easily. I got it within three seconds of watching this. I can't believe this exists in the world and millions of people have seen it. HOW DO THEY LIVE WITH THEMSELVES???
- What Does the Fox Say by Season Four Cast - This is a prime example of how we should all say a silent thank you to the universe for not letting Glee and Hamilton exist at the same time. I feel like they just hit this point where they were like, we don't care if the song is good, we're just gonna make ourselves so culturally relevant that people will have to love it. Spoiler alert, even Marley Rose can't make me love this song.
- Thong Song by Mr. Schue - Just...no. It was only a minute, but it was TOO LONG.
- Do They Know It's Christmas by SOME Season - Listen, this song is awful. A bunch of privileged people singing about their privilege is not a good look for a song. I get the intentions, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions so intentions won't save you. However, Glee cranked it up a notch by having the kids sing this song AT A HOMELESS SHELTER. I'm sure there was a way they could've done this song well and had it be as impactful as they'd hoped. HOWEVER, this was not the way to do it.
- My Funny Valentine by Tina Cohen-Chang - So, I remember watching this episode when the show was originally airing and not fully understanding why Tina's mental breakdown occurred. I think I chalked it up to a joke that went over my head. I just re-watched it in preparation for writing this blog (yeah, sometimes I'm dedicated to the content I put out into the world) and I STILL don't get it. If anyone has information pertaining to the actions of Tina Cohen-Chang in this song, please contact me here.
- Wrecking Ball by Marley Rose - In the name of being fair and impartial, I'm including my girl Marley on this list as well. I'm all for women scorned forking shit up (Gone Girl IS one of my fave movies), but I didn't need this in my life. And the little scene right before she sings this was really good, but nobody ever needed to see Marley cry against a brick wall that she then crashes through on a literal wrecking ball while wearing a strange blue leotard. AND THE BRICK. Goodness gracious. AND THE DRAMATIC THROWING HERSELF AGAINST A WALL. What a wild time. Shoulda licked a sledgehammer tho.
- Tell Me Something Good by Mr. Schue and Sue Sylvester - I promise this is the last Will Schuester song I'll put on this list. (JK, I can't make that promise.) BUT GOOD GOD this was weird. I never needed this in my life. My life could've been great if I'd never seen this, but I have seen this and there will always be a dark cloud over my life because of it. I hope you're happy, Ryan Murphy.
- Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me by New Directions - I KNOW. I literally just broke my promise, but this showed up as a recommended video after Tell Me Something Good and I had flashbacks of being traumatized from the part where Emma rips Mr. Schue's shirt open. I'm not okay??? Boy, if I wasn't gay before. The only good thing about this was Emma. Girl, ya looked great.
- Saving All My Love For You by Quinn Fabray and Joe Hart - Quinn Fabray was a lesbian. I'm sorry. I don't make the rules.
- Mean by Noah Puckerman and Beiste - Listen, the dude who plays Noah is AWFUL. And this cover of an already not-that-great Taylor Swift song is pretty terrible too. Leave the Taylor Swift covers to Santana because her version of Mine is incredible.
- The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late) by Kurt, Santana, Rachel, and the Santa Stripper - Remember when Kurt invited that Santa stripper over for Christmas dinner for a booty call and then they ended up getting robbed by said Santa stripper??? Glee was WEIRD, y'all. Like, I get that there are only so many Christmas songs, so they gotta do weird ones eventually, but they could've reused some. I mean, they had NO problem doing Don't Stop Believin' about three hundred times, so maybe they could've done Jingle Bells a time or two more. Or The Partridge Family song My Christmas Card to you that is VASTLY underrated.
- The Climb by Rachel Berry - This was supposed to be absolutely awful, and boy did Lea Michele DELIVER. I also found it wildly impressive that she could make herself sing so out of tune like that. And Brittany's facial expressions get me every single time.
- Only Child by Rachel Berry - I was reminded of the genius of this song while scrolling through the Wikipedia article. I don't care what anyone says, "The only Berry on the Berry Family Tree" was an incredible lyric. Everyone in the show hated it, but this was the best thing I've ever heard.