Tina Kakadelis
YA Author

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Burn Before Reading: A Carly Allen Story

True Life: I Watch too Many Movies

Today’s quote is from La La Land. It’s the song Emma Stone sings toward the end of the movie and it was snubbed for a Best Song Oscar nominee in my humble, very important opinion.

My MoviePass officially came in the mail two days ago and I used it that night to go see Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. It’s about the history of the dude who created Wonder Woman. And, like it was cool because the movie was super pro-bisexuality which is a thing we desperately need in our pop culture. But it was also super historically inaccurate. I know I just justified taking some creative liberties the other day, but the lady who wrote and directed this was very adamant in wanting to tell HER version of Olive, William, and Elizabeth. Which is FINE, I guess, but also, it's not fine if you're billing the movie as the incredible true story of Wonder Woman.

And that's not to say the story of Wonder Woman isn't wild, because it is, but it was already wild without the creative liberties. If you want to learn about the actual, real, wild history of Wonder Woman, read Jill Lepore's The Secret History of Wonder Woman or Les Daniels' Complete History of Wonder Woman.

The second movie I saw was the Kingsman sequel and I'm about to drop some spoilers, so click away if you haven't seen it yet. Here we go.

Um, why the FORK did whoever made this movie make me watch Roxy and A PUG die within the first twenty minutes??? Like, WHO WANTED TO HURT ME SO SPECIFICALLY???

Anyway, the movie itself was basically a two and a half hour long fight scene. I will say, the one good thing 2017 has done was bring me a dramatic fight scene set to John Denver's Take Me Home, Country Roads and that almost made Roxy and the pug's deaths justified. (JUST KIDDING, there was no need to kill them and force me to watch Eggsy try to get Harry back to normal for two hours.)

Also, Channing Tatum was WILDLY underutilized. I was about to be mad that they did him so dirty and then they ended the movie with my boy walking into the Kingsman shop and I know that I'm gonna HAVE to see the next one. (JUST KIDDING AGAIN, no I'm not. #Justice4Roxy)

Okay, here's why I'm actually VERY mad about Roxy's death. Because there was NO POINT, NO JUSTIFICATION. She was the only one to die. Like, yeah, Brandon died but like who even was Brandon??? Why does Kingsman keep forgetting that Roxy is the one that actually was the REAL Kingsman recruit??? Even in the finale of the first movie, she got entirely left out of the action.

Halle Berry's analyst character, Ginger, was very nervous about wanting to join the Statesman in the field. How dope would it have been for her character to have seen Roxy in the field? How cool  would it have been to have seen BOTH Roxy and Ginger storm Poppy Land? BUT ALAS, Roxy was unfairly written out and Ginger stayed behind the desk with a small promise of being an agent in the next movie. Judging by how they handled Roxy, I'm not holding my breath.

The first movie prided itself on bucking the stereotypes of the classic gentlemen spy genre, but it sure as shirt did NOT care about those stereotypes in the second one. Like what even WAS that "sex" scene. Who's even calling it a sex scene? That was a sexual assault trying to be passed off as comedic relief which is SO GROSS.

Um, who the actual fork approved a tracking shot down a half-naked woman's body that LITERALLY ENDS INSIDE OF HER VAGINA?? Read this post on Movie Plot about how gross this scene was because they are far more eloquent than I am.

Last thing I'll say about this movie is that Julianne Moore as a faux-'50s housewife drug lord with an Americana Main Street headquarters in the middle of the Cambodian jungle is the best damn thing this movie did. (Also, just what exactly were they trying to say about the war on drugs???)

Okay, I'm finally stopping. (But only after I throw out my weekly love for Legends of Tomorrow and Sara Lance. Hi, Sara Lance, I love you and I can't wait for you and that Time Bureau Agent lady to date. I'll tell y'all again, Legends of Tomorrow is the best, most fun show you're not watching.) (Also, Barry Allen dancing to to Bob Seger was so CHARMING.)